Growing Up, Growing Fears

Growing Up

Growing up is scary. Taking on the responsibility of your own life is a HUGE undertaking. If I were the Wendy from Peter Pan, I never would have left Neverland. That’s not really how life works, though. Truthfully, I don’t think I would quite find that a fulfilling life either. There is something just brings you pride in being successful at being an adult human. No one said the transition was easy. That’s why it bring so much pride. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it didn’t bring a challenge along with it. There is an extra fear that comes along with becoming an adult while battling a chronic illness.

As I am growing up into full adulthood, which to me means losing my parent’s health insurance, it is really stressful to me to feel like I don’t have control. It’s the only piece of my life that I do not personally responsible for, but it is also the biggest. I am just finishing up college and am on the search for a job. Right now the toughest part is that I love where I am in life. I love where I am living and the people I am living around. I love my job and would love to continue working there for longer than I know I am going to be able to. I am starting to feel the pressure of finding a job that is going to be able to give me good health insurance. From medications to hospital stays, there are so many medical expenses that I am very quickly going to be responsible for. That is a lot to have weighing on your shoulders. So how the heck do you deal with all of this financial burden? Of course I smile and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. I know that I have an amazing support system that will get me through whatever I have to get through. I don’t like being reliant on other people, though. While I don’t mind relying on my support system, I want to know that I don’t HAVE to. I know it’s mostly one of those stubborn personality traits of mine that I just need to get over, but I also know that it’s not an unrealistic goal.

Growing Fears

The other big fear that I have in realizing that I’m growing up is: How long am I going to be able to work for? Am I going to be able to keep up with my chosen career path? While I am glad that I went to school for what I did because I know it makes me happy, I wonder what the future is going to hold. I wonder if I am going to get a job in the long-run that is going to require me to be on my feet a lot or whether it is going to be more of a stationary, desk-type job. I know that if it is going to be more of a desk-type job that I will be able to keep at it longer, simply due to the fact that I know my lung functions are decreasing. Anyone knows me knows that I am a workaholic. I love working and being active. I don’t want that to be something that gets taken away from me, even though I know that at some point it will. While this is no where near as stressful for me as the health insurance issue, it is still something I think about from time to time.

Dealing With It

How do you deal with the big unknowns that come with growing up with a chronic illness? While it is something that scares me a little from time to time, it is not something that totally terrifies me. I know some people who couldn’t imagine not knowing what their future is going to look like. Some people have a five or ten year plan. The longest plan I’ve made was the commitment I made to college. Now that I am done with college, the farthest plans out I have are a cruise that I have booked for February. I always have a bunch of tentative plans, but I know that they are contingent on how I am feeling. Even if I make plans for a week from now, they are not guaranteed. I try to make sure that everyone I know and spend time with knows that if I am too tired, I have learned that I need to listen to my body and rest. If I don’t, then I start to feel really sick and even more tired. As far as the distant future of kids and other adult life choices, I have found that the best way to deal with those unknowns is to just keep an open mind. I’m sure that is a lot easier said than done, but it’s truly how I manage it. I would love to have kids some day, but I also know that I may not be able to bear kids or keep up with raising them. So if I decide that I can handle it, then great. If I decide that it is going to be too difficult or risky, then I don’t have my heart set on it. Luckily, I would be completely content with having a yard full of dogs and animals to fill my heart. Tehehe. In all seriousness, I think that a lot of disappointment comes from expectation. Expecting life to go one way when it really goes another.

This is why they call it the rollercoaster of life, isn’t it? I guess we couldn’t call it an adventure if we knew what the outcome was going to be.